Whatever happened to …

Yeah yeah, we all miss Captain Planet. He’s a hero after all. Yes, it’s such a shame you can’t get it on DVD, and you’re right, it does make for a very original ringtone. And what? They played it in a club? A night club? In Two Thousand and Nine? Outrageous! Oh boy, thank you for reminding me of this forgotten classic, where do I sign up to be a Planeteer too?

I am not for a second trying to suggest that I am not all for Captain Planet and his zero-tolerance pollution stance. Hell, saving our planet is the thing to do, and, if anything, Ol’ Cappy (or, El Capitane as he is never known) was ahead of his time – An Inconvenient Truth came out something like 15 years later. He made both mullets and rangas cool. Respect given where respect is due. I just feel he is a stealer of thunder – which is practically looting, and not the way at all.

Spare a thought for a few less-remembered 90s kiddy classics, as I craftily segue my way through a few old favourites and recycle (Planeteer that I am) the past …

Ghostwriter. This show proved that to communicate with the paranormal, you needed literacy. And what better way to learn than by keeping up with the street-savvy and racially-diverse gang’s latest mystery? In a word: none. Along with the title character you – yes, you – can help the token Latino, the token Jew, the token Asian and the token black kid (and their non-minority-group white friends) fight crime. This show had a major influence on my little English nerd brain growing up, as I pretty much forced my mum into playing the word games the gang had to play. The only difference is I had no invisible letter-manipulating ghost creature to help, and there was no pressing mystery to be solved, except perhaps how my mother managed to produce such an intelligent daughter.

… But that’s a question to be answered by …

Ready or Not. Ah adolescence. The angst. The zits. The growing … in all sorts of places. Why is my chest getting bumpy? Why are my sheets sticky this morning? What’s all this hair? Why am I bleeding? Why have you got the door shut, Mum and Dad? If these are questions you are still asking, you’d best consult another source, because last time I checked (i.e. never) this program doesn’t exist in DVD form. If you remember watching Busy and Amanda and their ridiculous flower hats, then you were brought up well. Like Degrassi, this coming-of-age saga came from Canada, although unlike Degrassi, everything always turned out OK by the end of an episode – in less than 20 minutes an eating disorder would be solved and the girls would realise that boys and popularity weren’t worth it at all.

… It was worth it for ….

Alex Mack. I think forgotten is an overstatement for this much-loved primary school classic, but I also think it would be unjust to not include the show that shot Larisa Oleynik into “10 Things I Hate About You” famedom. Alex was a babe. A babe in a hat. A babe in a hat with a secret. A secret she can’t tell anyone, not even her parents. I find the idea that any pubescent would tell their parents anything to be laughable, but hey, I’ve never been coated in GC1-61. Nor can I make things levitate, create my own electricity or transform into some sort of liquid.

… What other TV hero could transform? Why, only …

Bananaman. Aka Eric, who only needed to bite into a banana to mutate into a potassium-enriched superhero. With a throng of arch-nemeses to keep him busy, including the Hitler-esque General Blight and a Scotsman who attacked with bagpipe-controlled haggis, it’s amazing the hunky Bananaman had time for his newsreader girlfriend. Bananaman had an evil knitting needle-wielding nanna long before The Mighty Boosh ever did, which suggests a program advanced beyond its years. What contradicts said advancement is evil nemesis Appleman, who in this day and age would be seen as a healthy hero, protecting the young from the likes of Donutman and Colaman.

… Back then, the young really needed protecting from the likes of …

Gogs. This gibberish 5-minute filler was weird and unsettling. From the screaming outro/intro, to the spousal abuse, to the baby with the bubble snot, this show should not have been deemed appropriate for kids. Thank god the Stone Age is over if that’s what Neanderthal living was like.

… They behaved worse than …

The Ferals. Before Rattus and co hit the big time and earned their Feral TV spinoff, and long before Mixy went solo in her spinoff spinoff, these domestic-turned-wild non-native animals took residence in the backyard shed of a university sharehouse. Hilarity, of course, ensued, especially when Keith the koala and Kylie the kangaroo popped their bitchy native heads over the fence.

… Named after a native Australian, but neither local nor feral is …

Budgie the Little Helicopter. Perhaps the most constructive thing Fergie ever did was pen and narrate this kiddy classic – it’s certainly lasted longer than Weight Watchers did for her. (Not Fergie with the lovely lady lumps by the way – she is probably young enough to have been shaped by these shows too.) Budgie was a more animated, more vocal, more airborne version of Thomas the Tank Engine – also narrated by British sort-of royalty.

… Budgie sure did have …

Lift Off. What gave me the idea to camp in the backyard? Where was I introduced to the novel concept of a doll hospital? How did my fascination with jelly arise? What made me think it was both feasible and simple to construct my own playground? The answer is Lift Off – an Aussie Kid’s cult classic that made talking elevators, moving and feeling dolls, and plants that doubled as televisions seem normal. More than normal – a must have for every boy and girl. Poss and Nipper and the whole block of flats they lived in sure had the life. Even if Mr. Fish down in reception could sometimes be a douche, they had Beverly the plant and Lotus the lift to comfort and teach them on the way up. And they had EC (E for Elizabeth and C for Charlie) all the time. I made sure I was bought an EC doll so I could have him/her all the time, but it just wasn’t the same.

… But then, nothing is – unless you party at the kind of club that plays the Captain Planet theme, like I do.

Some other favourites that I cannot segue in (but most with catchy theme tunes):

Ship to Shore

Little Elvis Jones

Ocean Girl

Genie From Down Under

Bangers and Mash

Round the Twist

Nelly the Elephant

The Animals of Farthing Wood

Twins of Destiny

What were your favourites?