Uruguay – sleazy men, cute Cappy and another year goes by

URUGUAY

Uruguay was like a breath of fresh air after being in frightening Argentina. Yes, I must admit, it took a while to get used to bringing out the camera again. But with the help of some new friends and the surprise arrival of some old ones, we managed to get our groove back.

Our journey into South America´s often-forgotten little country didn’t exactly start off smoothly. In booking the tickets online, we were under the impression you were only allowed to book one seat at a time, because every time we went to select ‘number of passengers’ it would only allow one. `That’s fine,´ we thought, and booked Hayley her ticket first. We went back to do mine and discovered that there were no tourist seats left! Hayley got the last one! So we really had no choice but to book me a first class seat! Hah! So while I sipped champagne and spread out on my recliner, Hayley slummed it down in steerage, amidst crying babies and bleating goats (or so I liked to imagine).

Montevideo

Uruguay’s capital city couldn’t exactly be put on the World´s Most Outrageous Cities list. It’s nice, it’s attractive and the people are friendly (even if they do act like they´re all on Xanax) but it was a bit boring, to be honest. We had to spend a couple of days there as we had applied for our Brazilian visas and we didn’t really do much. On the first night though, we met Hannah and Helen, two lovely British girls who we ended up travelling with for the next two weeks. We went out to dinner with them the first night, which was interesting to say the least. Thinking they would be good, all three H´s decided to order a salad while I (big boy) got a toasted cheese and tomato sandwich. First of all, my sandwich came out with ham in it (I’m one of those awful vegetarians) and again being a big boy, I eagerly devoured it and didn’t realise until the pig was already halfway down my esophagus. Then the salads came out. Oh dear… it looked like something you’d give your fussy three-year-old. Square chunks of cheddar cheese in one corner, tinned corn in the other, two boiled eggs cut up into easy-bite-size pieces and two chunks of tomato to finish. Not a leafy green in sight! It would´ve been horrifying if it wasn’t so funny. The next night, H3 and I got onto the wines and hung out in the hostel’s ‘chill out zone’, which was really just a bright orange room with a couple of mismatched sofas and a guitar. I ended up having a fight with a repulsive Canadian man who will appear many times throughout future blogs as we just couldn’t seem to shake him! Him and his Johnny-Depp-lookalike friend who Helen was in love with. He was the world’s biggest dickhead and we met other travellers along the way who have met him and hate him! He’s famous across South America as being ‘that bleached-haired Canadian git’! That night I had the fight with him because he told me that every night, before he goes to bed, he hugs himself and says “I get to go to bed with ME!”
And he wasn’t joking either.

La Pedrera

H2 had discovered a little beach town further along Uruguay’s coast so we decided to meet them there. It was such a cool town, so chilled out and relaxed. Lots of hippies openly smoking bongs, bonfires every night and delicious shirtless surfers… Dreamy!
One of the nights we were drinking at the hostel and a girl came home with a little kitten in her arms! Somehow Hayley, Helen, Hannah and I became its mothers. We named him Capsicum. The reason behind this choice was that H2 were going to Australia and we had been educating them on word-differences between our two great countries. They had never heard of a ‘capsicum’ so we explained they were what they call `peppers´. Anyway Helen, Hannah and I decided we wanted to go to this party at the local reggae bar. Hayley was feeling tired so she went to bed while the three of us went out. We tried to leave Cappy at the hostel but the little lamb didn’t want us to go and followed us down the street, meowing pitifully. Who could resist? I ended up just picking him up and taking him with us to the bar. It was so funny. If I brought a cat to a bar in Australia, I would be escorted off the premises. In Uruguay, all the bar staff patted him and asked for holds. It ended up being a really fun night, we sat around a big bonfire drinking beer and chatting to locals. I got stuck talking to a total geezer though. He kept saying things like, “we are all walking pieces of art, our movements embody a spiritual beauty that blah blah blah…” At one point he started rhythmically beating the air because he “felt the vibrations of life drumming his soul”. It was the most awkward half an hour ever. Cappy was long asleep in my jumper by the time we got home at 5am and it was heartbreaking to say goodbye to him. He meowed at our window for about an hour.

The next day, the four of us went for a walk around town as we were all very sunburnt and couldn’t really go to the beach. As we were walking home, we heard a loud, “HAYLEY SPURGIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!???” Who should walk towards us, but Nikola and Ty!!!! It was so exciting! Hayley and I screamed like banshees and jumped all over them, probably a bit inconsiderately as they were still loaded up with all their stuff. We weren’t supposed to meet them until the next town but they caught the boat from Buenos Aires early to surprise us! It was thrilling! We went out for dinner to catch up and then all of us got absolutely bollocksed (British word we´ve picked up) around the campfire with some very creepy locals. One of them was the biggest sleaze ever! He force-fed Ty and Nikola meat, then tried to steal our wine, then touched all our legs inappropriately and then vomited everywhere. Hideous. Hannah had a headache so she went to bed, but Helen hung out, earning herself the title of the World´s Most Clumsiest Woman. In the space of an hour, she had knocked over every single person’s drink… twice! The poor lamb. I love hanging out with her though because she makes me look coordinated!

Punta Del Diablo

We spent the first night in the lovely Punta Del Diablo at a hostel, which was a cramped little sweat box, but had the redeeming feature of a dog who had just had puppies! Oh, they were so sweet! We all named them. They were Empanada, Patricia (after a local beer), Chicco and Fat Whinger. We loved them, but wanted to get our own bungalow so we moved out (but still visited the babies often). The next morning, we moved into our beloved bungalow, a yellow two-storey house with ocean views, a hammock and our very own empanada (a South American pastry snack for which the puppy was named) shack next door. We even had our own two dogs, although none of us wanted to touch them. One of them was a big black and white mutt with a red eye and permanent lipstick while the other was coined `Falling Apart Dog´ due to its nipples grazing the ground and its various skin diseases. Hayley was getting angry at all of us for being mean to them, but she couldn’t look at them either. Still, our bungalow was the best! Nikola and Ty got the parents room, while H3 and I had the kid’s room upstairs. Ty was initially a bit concerned about sharing a house with five girls but we convinced him he would grow to love it. That night we had a housewarming party where we played Four Kings and got ridiculously drunk. Nikola and I ended up dancing on the couches so we all knew it was time to head out. Unfortunately, Uruguay doesn’t seem to follow Argentina´s rule of ‘the later the better’. We walked out into a ghost town (it WAS 4am I suppose). On the way home from that disappointing outing, we stopped at a supermarket where I flirted outrageously with the 60-year-old owner and his 15 year-old grandson, calling them `bellisimo hombres´ (“beautiful men”… oh the shame!)

The Toilet Incident

The next day, there was a bit of a situation with the toilets. Now, in South America, it is practice to not flush toilet paper, but instead put it in a stinky bin next to the toilet. It’s disgusting, but you get used to it. Anyway, Nikola wasn’t quite used to this custom yet and flushed, causing a blockage in the pipes and a regurgitation of all that mornings… erm… deposits. It was sooo disgusting and we couldn’t find our landlord to come and fix it. It was especially hard for Ty, who previously chose to believe that girls didn’t go to the toilet. I like to think we educated him well that morning. Anyway Helen, the trooper, decided enough was enough and took matters into her own hands. While the rest of us dry retched in the lounge room, Helen got the fire poker and used it has a stick to try and clear the pipes. What would we do without her?

Hez´s 23rd Birthday

While in Punta Del Diablo, Hayley celebrated (well, commiserated really) her 23rd birthday. We woke her up in the morning with a handmade, shitty card, two flowers, a fruit salad for breakfast and the promise that as soon as she finds something she likes, she can buy it. Slack, yes, but Hayley is more a buy-my-own-presents kind of girl. Plus Diablo didn’t really have anything great to buy. She seemed happy though. That night we had another party, this time a themed one. Well, sort of. We were trying to think of different themes but it’s quite difficult while travelling (you just don’t think to pack your Wonder Woman costume!) So we settled on all wearing black, Hayley’s favourite colour. It was such a nice night; we all sat outside and had dinner of wine, beer, Lays chips and nibbles. Hayley’s birthday cake was a cracker with cheese as the icing and a cigarette as the candle. She seemed satisfied. We decided to play drinking games. I suggested `Celebrity Heads´ which everyone said would be crap, but ended up being so much fun. Very upsetting though when my clue was `he´s very similar to you´ and it ended up being Shane Warne! Nik and Ty stayed at home while H3 and I went out to a party in town. I befriended a table full of locals who called me a `retardo´ because my Spanish is so shit (I understood that word though!) while Hayley, Hannah and Helen got stuck talking to a sleazy American. Helen ended up staying back at the party while we went home but not before we threatened the boy she was with.
“If you robado her, we kill you” we told him while he looked nervous. The next day H2 left for Brazil and the four of us just nursed our filthy hangovers.